Not all quotations are serious. This category is a large collection of humorous quotes.
Showing 73 through 108 of 170 quotations in this category.
"Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law."
"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little."
"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
"A fool and his money are soon venture capital."
"In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks."
"Jesus died to forgive our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?"
"Where the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1 1/2 tons."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest."
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."
"A world which is perfectly safe for the stupidest imaginable wanker is a damned annoying place in which to live for anyone else."
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
"Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my car, encasing me inside and leaving me to slowly fall into an oxygen-deprived coma, from which I awaken five years later to find my wife remarried to my best friend. But then I think maybe I'm just being paranoid, because what are the odds of *that* happening again?"
"If you ever happen to meet someone from Chumbawamba, be sure to knock 'em down, and see if they get back up again."
"I think it's too easy to write bad code in perl. I responded to that by increasing my discipline as a programmer, and writing clean perl code. Other people respond by writing programs that look like modem init strings."
"A man who exposes himself when he is intoxicated has not the art of getting drunk."
"When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money."
"Fish die belly-upward and rise to the surface; it is their way of falling."
"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat."
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"
"Cisco cleverly sold software that plugged into the wall, had a fan and got warm. People had a long history of buying things that plugged into the wall, made noises and got warm."
"If you don't pray in my school, I won't think in your church."
"It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, "Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff!" And then another guy'd dive- "Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there." But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you're a great- you're a great cliff diver there. There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that."
"Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways."
"Patience is a virtue. If you don't have patience, there's always short-term profit spam techniques."
"Personally, I don't do anything unnatural to my food. No other animal cooks their food, so I don't cook anything I eat, or eat anything that I didn't pull from the ground or kill with my bare hands. Also, I eat it without utensils, since no other animal does that, and I don't prepare anything I eat - I just pull whatever I want from the carcass right there. My backyard is starting to stink a lot, as I don't bury anything I kill since animals don't."
"A brief history of medicine: 2000 BC: Here, take this root. 1000 AD: That root is for a heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 AD: That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 AD: That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 AD: That pill is ineffective. Here take this antibiotic. 2000 AD: That antibiotic is artificial . Here, eat this root. 2005 AD: That root works! Read about it on my blog!"
"You have too high an expectation of the commercial system. You expect that commercial education will mean that your kids can get a great education. I expect that, if parents are given the opportunity to send their kid to any school, and any school can get funding, 60% of kids will end up at the Pepsi McSchool of Jesus."
"Think about how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of us are stupider than that."
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."
"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."
"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while."
"I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all."
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