Humorous Quotations

Not all quotations are serious. This category is a large collection of humorous quotes.

Showing 145 through 170 of 170 quotations in this category.

"Just give up. Use windows. Use explorer. Buy an SUV for your daily commute. Shop at Fry's. Use PacBell DSL. Listen to top 40. It'll all just be so much easier. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED."

-Hoche

"Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat."

-John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987

"Working with Unix is like wrestling a worthy opponent. Working with windows is like attacking a small whining child who is carrying a .38."

-puck

"I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

-unknown

"Before I start speaking, I'd like to say something."

-Yogi Bera (?)

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours."

-Yogi Berra

"Self-discipline implies some unpleasant things to me, including staying away from chocolate and keeping my hands out of women's pants."

-Oleg Kiselev

"Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?"

-unknown

"People who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do."

-unknown

"How did Hitler tie his shoes? In little Nazis!"

-unknown

"Every man should have a hobby - but make sure your wife doesn't know about her."

-unknown

"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

-unknown

"It's strange. I think it's kind of a strange hobby to have. I just play soccer."

-Amber, 12, on her mother's collection of AOL disks

"For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord."

-unknown

"'Evil men have no songs.' How is it that the Russians have songs?"

-Friedrich Nietzsche

"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

-unknown

"Windows: Just another pane in the glass."

-unknown

"As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so."

-Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan attorney

"A successful man is one who can earn more money than his wife can possibly spend. A successful woman is one who can find that man."

-unknown

"You can observe a lot by watching."

-Yogi Bera

"Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice."

-unknown

"I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it."

-Samuel Goldwyn

"We made too many wrong mistakes."

-Yogi Bera

"We have deep depth."

-Yogi Bera

"You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?"

-Norm MacDonald

"I just hope God grades on a curve."

-unknown