Humorous Quotations

Not all quotations are serious. This category is a large collection of humorous quotes.

Showing 109 through 144 of 170 quotations in this category.

"I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death."

-Jack Handey

"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."

-Jack Handey

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."

-Jack Handey

"Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."

-Jack Handey

"I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality."

-Jack Handey

"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!"

-Jack Handey

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

-Jack Handey

"Proofread carefully to see if you any words out."

-unknown

"It is my misfortune - and probably my delight - to use things as my passions tell me. What a miserable fate for a painter who adores blondes to have to stop himself putting them into a picture because they don't go with the basket of fruit! ... I put all the things I like into my pictures. The things - so much the worse for them. They just have to put up with it."

-Pablo Picasso

"After the meek inherit the earth, I think we should just kick their butts and take it from them."

-Jim Rosenburg

"I'm glad cavepeople didn't invent television, because they would havejust sat around and watched talk shows all day instead of creating tools."

-Dave James

"Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about."

-Sam Ewing

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."

-Dan Quayle

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

-Yogi Bera

"I just took an IQ test. The results were negative."

-unknown

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."

-Charles H. Duell, Director of the U.S. Patent Office, 1899

"I only watch Baywatch for the articles."

-Cheef Dan

"Japan is an important ally of ours. Japan and the United States of the Western industrialized capacity, 60 percent of the GNP, two countries. That's a statement in and of itself."

-Dan Quayle

"I came, I saw, I shopped a little bit."

-bumper sticker

"The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be."

-Paul Valery

"I wasn't kidding. I do have a test today. It's on European Socialism. What's the big deal? I'm not European. I don't plan on becoming European. So why should I care if they're socialists? They could be facist, anarchist pigs. It still wouldn't change the fact that I don't have a car."

-Ferris Bueller

"Dancing is like a shower: one wrong turn and you're in hot water!"

-MAD Magazine

"Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, 'I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease.' Disraeli replied, 'That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress.'"

-unknown

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver."

-Jay Leno

"The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball."

-Doug Larson

"If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure."

-Dan Quayle

"Do not worry about your problems with mathematics, I assure you mine are far greater."

-Albert Einstein

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

-Mark Twain

"Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried."

-Mae West

"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."

-Yogi Bera

"Spring is nature's way of saying 'Let's party!'"

-Robin Williams

"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had many of them."

-Casey Stengel

"One day man by the slow processes of evolution shall develop into something really fine and high -- some billions of years hence, say."

-Mark Twain

"Faith is when you believe something that you know ain’t true."

-unknown

"It's like deja-vu, all over again."

-Yogi Bera

"I just want to thank everyone who made this day necessary."

-Yogi Berra