Humorous Quotations

Not all quotations are serious. This category is a large collection of humorous quotes.

Showing 73 through 108 of 170 quotations in this category.

"Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law."

-unknown

"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little."

-Porterfield

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."

-unknown

"A fool and his money are soon venture capital."

-unknown

"In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks."

-Scott Adams

"Jesus died to forgive our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?"

-Jules Feiffer

"Where the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and weigh only 1 1/2 tons."

-Popular Mechanics, March 1949

"He who laughs last thinks slowest."

-unknown

"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"

-unknown

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

-Woody Allen

"A world which is perfectly safe for the stupidest imaginable wanker is a damned annoying place in which to live for anyone else."

-Douglas G. Henke

"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"

-George Carlin

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."

-Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes."

-unknown

"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. but I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."

-Jack Handy

"Sometimes when I'm driving behind a big cement truck, I think of how the valve on the truck could suddenly open, spilling cement over my car, encasing me inside and leaving me to slowly fall into an oxygen-deprived coma, from which I awaken five years later to find my wife remarried to my best friend. But then I think maybe I'm just being paranoid, because what are the odds of *that* happening again?"

-Jack Handy

"If you ever happen to meet someone from Chumbawamba, be sure to knock 'em down, and see if they get back up again."

-unknown

"I think it's too easy to write bad code in perl. I responded to that by increasing my discipline as a programmer, and writing clean perl code. Other people respond by writing programs that look like modem init strings."

-Uruk (from the web)

"A man who exposes himself when he is intoxicated has not the art of getting drunk."

-Dr. Samuel Johnson

"When a fellow says it ain't the money but the principle of the thing, it's the money."

-Frank McKinney Hubbard

"Fish die belly-upward and rise to the surface; it is their way of falling."

-André Gide

"The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The wireless is the same, only without the cat."

-Albert Einstein

"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'"

-Dave Barry

"Cisco cleverly sold software that plugged into the wall, had a fan and got warm. People had a long history of buying things that plugged into the wall, made noises and got warm."

-Ralph Gorin, on how Cisco Systems began

"If you don't pray in my school, I won't think in your church."

-unknown

"It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, "Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff!" And then another guy'd dive- "Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there." But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you're a great- you're a great cliff diver there. There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that."

-Norm MacDonald

"Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways."

-Norm MacDonald

"Patience is a virtue. If you don't have patience, there's always short-term profit spam techniques."

-ska_demon (WebmasterWorld.com), on web site profitability

"Personally, I don't do anything unnatural to my food. No other animal cooks their food, so I don't cook anything I eat, or eat anything that I didn't pull from the ground or kill with my bare hands. Also, I eat it without utensils, since no other animal does that, and I don't prepare anything I eat - I just pull whatever I want from the carcass right there. My backyard is starting to stink a lot, as I don't bury anything I kill since animals don't."

-fireboy1919 on Slashdot.org

"A brief history of medicine: 2000 BC: Here, take this root. 1000 AD: That root is for a heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 AD: That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 AD: That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 AD: That pill is ineffective. Here take this antibiotic. 2000 AD: That antibiotic is artificial . Here, eat this root. 2005 AD: That root works! Read about it on my blog!"

-XFilesFMDS1013, on Slashdot.org

"You have too high an expectation of the commercial system. You expect that commercial education will mean that your kids can get a great education. I expect that, if parents are given the opportunity to send their kid to any school, and any school can get funding, 60% of kids will end up at the Pepsi McSchool of Jesus."

-Pxtl, on Slashdot.org

"Think about how stupid the average person is, then realize that half of us are stupider than that."

-George Carlin

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning."

-George Carlin

"The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live."

-George Carlin

"Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while."

-Kin Hubbard

"I think that I shall never see a billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all."

-Ogden Nash