Humorous Quotations

Not all quotations are serious. This category is a large collection of humorous quotes.

Showing 37 through 72 of 170 quotations in this category.

"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"

-Art Hoppe

"Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today."

-Herman Wouk

"The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist."

-Aaron Machado

"It's easy to identify people who can't count to ten. They're in front of you in the supermarket express lane."

-M. Grundler

"A good vacuum really sucks."

-unknown

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."

-Hunter S. Thompson

"A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg."

-Samuel Butler

"You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you."

-unknown

"Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation."

-unknown

"Out the 10Base-T, through the router, down the T1, over the leased line, off the bridge, past the firewall...nothing but Net."

-unknown

"In a survey taken several years ago, all incoming freshman at MIT were asked if they expected to graduate in the top half of their class. Ninety-seven percent responded that they did."

-unknown

"668: The Neighbor of the Beast."

-unknown

"I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated."

-Poul Anderson

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying."

-Woody Allen

"A man always remembers his first love with special tenderness, but after that he begins to bunch them."

-Henry Louis Mencken

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base."

-Dave Barry

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

-Mark Twain

"If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them."

-Yogi Berra

"No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy."

-Henry Kissinger

"C:DOS C:DOSRUN RUNDOSRUN"

-unknown

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."

-Dan Quayle

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

-unknown

"I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death."

-Jack Handey

"If at first you don't succeed, well, so much for skydiving."

-Victor O'Reilly

"I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it."

-unknown

"I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific."

-Lily Tomlin

"Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead."

-The Warner Brothers (Animaniacs)

"You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer."

-Frank Zappa

"When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear."

-Mark Twain

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good."

-Woody Allen

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

-Jack Handey

"As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!"

-Jack Handey

"A friend is someone who will help you move; A good friend is someone who will help you move a body."

-unknown

"I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality."

-Jack Handey

"I do not care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."

-Groucho Marx

"Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick."

-Jack Handey